When “winning” is losing
Day 24 of the Love Feast
I lost focus right around Comic Con, just a little. But re-centered myself. The biggest issue was feeling I was correct about a certain subject that triggered a negative response. I had to look at that…and the Three Gates were critical.
My perception was TRUE (I believe). But as it was a source of discomfort, it was plausibly not KIND to hammer at it. In fact the term "hammer" suggests a lack of delicacy, doesn't it?
So…was it USEFUL? What was the intent? Let's look at it through the lens of HOW<WHAT<WHY.
The WHAT is a ninety-day period in which I place Tananarive above me. Her happiness and welfare is more important than my own. I have sword to accept her as she is, in all ways.
The WHY is to bring all our lives to a higher level, to transform myself. The road to this is looking at any challenge and raising my own game so that I can cope with it. That, btw, creates the room for HER to transform if that is appropriate. Not the point.
So…lets say there is something I feel it is valuable to deal with, that cannot be approached directly. It would seem the best thing is for me to ask: can I handle this? Does it HAVE to be done a particular way? No, it doesn't. To operate in alignment with the Three Gates, I need to be sensitive and flexible. The "Persuasion Framework" starts with RAPPORT, respect, alignment, empathy. Even if I am "right" about something, if forcing the issue creates stress and tension, has it really accomplished my goal?
THAT’S THE INTENT, ISN'T IT? A better relationship, a better life, being a better person. Not someone who was "right" in a specific way. Give that up. Be effective and efficient, or I don't reach the actual outcome. In fact, being "right" in this instance is COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE, because my measure for being "right" was her AGREEMENT that I was right. Ugh.
As soon as I saw that, saw that it wasn't enough for me to be right, that I needed her to admit she was wrong…I saw the trap. Of COURSE I want to be right. But what I need is the real result (a better relationship, a more effective and efficient life) and if I really believe I've identified an issue, why in the world do I think I can simply bulldoze through it?
That…is bullshit. MY bullshit. SHE is doing the best she can. It is cruel and ineffective to ask people to do better than their best. Using the Persuasion Framework, I have to deepen the rapport, lovingly interrupt the pattern, and connect the desired behavior to her own highest goals. NOTHING there about her "admitting I was right." Nothing at all.
A little tough for my ego, but what is the overall goal? To be the perfect partner for this amazing woman in my life. That's it. Do THAT and I get the girl, the gold watch, and everything.
This is certainly a core aspect of the WWW.SOULMATEPROCESS.COM program: the notion that we attract what we are, and that if we don't like what we're attracting we have to up OUR game, love ourselves more, and come closer to our personal ideals such that others can see, in our attitudes and behaviors, our deep nature. It work beautifully if you take that responsibility, not join the tribe of people who blame others for their own choices, or hallucinate that they can "punch above their weight" in the arena of love. A common error that the "men are trash/women are trash" crowd makes constantly.
Stay away from them if you want a happy, healthy love life. They are the lowest common denominator of emotional maturity, and are poisoning their own well.
My commitment has to be to grow, to love, to give, to support. And to adore her right where she is, and who she is. THAT is my commitment, and I will not fail.
Not for the next 66 days anyway…
Namaste
Steve
