The “Summer of Love” Starts July 1st!
Looking into love, and the raising of my marriage to the next level. Today I have to ask four questions
What is my view of a perfect marriage.
On a scale of 1-6, 1 being total perfection, 6 meaning I'm so wounded I don't even WANT a relationship, where am I?
On that same scale, where do I think my partner thinks we are?
What stands in my way? What would I have to change to improve the relationship?
And it has to be about ME. It cannot be about "her." I can only directly affect my chunk of life. My perspective.
The thing that hits me hardest is #4. I realize that I had no model for being strong physically. I found a fabulous mentor: Steve Muhammad.
I had no model for being an SF writer, and I found one: Larry Niven. The question of being a BLACK SF writer was still a mystery (I'd yet to meet Octavia, and Samuel Delaney had left the field) so Steve and Larry together became a "meld" of what I needed to be.
But in relationships? My father wasn't in the home from the time I was…what? Maybe seven? I honestly don't know. Barely remember the time my Mom and Dad were together. And Mom never remarried.
What does that mean? I HAD NO ROLE MODEL FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE. Or even a whole one. The result is that I probably cobbled together my notion from a hundred different sources, including books and movies. THAT'S not a very healthy approach. If you took your idea of street fighting from WILD WILD WEST, you are going to die.
I blew my first marriage, did some deep thinking about male-female relationships that led to some mind-blowing realizations that changed my life, and led to being able to find, attract, and hold a woman like Tananarive, who HAD come from an intact and thriving family. She, in essence, taught me what I needed to be to be with her.
But my question remains: What might I have been if I'd had a perfect pair of role models? Happy, healthy, frisky parents who adored each other and raised us in a crucible of love and safety, of divine Masculine and Feminine energy?
I'd still have had challenges in life, of course, but I'd have had a different QUALITY of problems. I wouldn't have gone out into life standing in a hole in terms of what it takes to have a healthy relationship in this world.
So…the goal would be to make myself into the person I'd have been if that had been true. If I heal those wounds, thrive in that sense, then our children get to stand on our shoulders. They will see further. Go further. Their battles will be their own.
The "Soulmate Process" came out of what we learned and observed and studied that got us to 80% of perfection. While getting to 100% is probably not practically possible, I DO think we can get 80% of the remaining 20%. That means operating at 95%+
This is critical because life stress is about to hit us HARD. It will be good stress, but even positive events can have a negative effect if you aren't balanced. Sometimes we look at each other, realize how good things are, and say "You know…this is when the band breaks up!"
Too much truth in that. And even if it isn't provably true, it is USEFUL and KIND to say: "Let's deliberately and consciously and calculatedly increase the amount of love, joy, passion, and connection in our lives."
That's the next 90 days. I was feeling trepidation, which under the microscope was FEAR of vulnerability. I HAVE to keep my guard up a little, don't I?
No, I don't.
Well…what if something goes wrong? What if I get hurt?
That would be a lack of RESPONSIBILITY on my part. Responsibility for my own emotions. I have to BELIEVE that I can handle my @#$$. That no matter what happens, I'll survive and thrive. The 90-days will teach me about myself, and that new knowledge will be nothing but positive.
Worst case? To find out your partner is non-responsive, and you know you aren't suitable for each other. Best case? TOTAL TRANSFORMATION OF LIFE ITSELF.
Wow. The cost-benefit analysis is just crazy positive. Worst case is that I'm no worse off? Best case is that I move to the next level of my entire life?
I can feel myself struggling with that logic, trying to find a way to falsify it. So far, I cannot.
So…Starting July 1, I'll be starting this process. For Ninety days, giving EVERYTHING to make Tananarive feel like the most beautiful, creative, sexy, wonderful woman God ever let live.
I LOVE the idea of giving her that gift, which she so richly deserves. She will be my Queen, and I will be her Knight, seeking only service.
What fun. Stay tuned…its gonna be a ride!
Namaste
Steve
