A Dangerous, Damaged Man
I think I pity people who lean too far toward the "nature" side of things with humanity.
I've often said that while "talent" might well exist, I've never found the concept useful. Most of what I've seen from people who believe in it is "well, I didn't have the talent, so I didn't try." On the other hand, people who seem to have things very easy at first often don't develop the mental grit to deal with failure, or even the empathy to understand other human beings…or themselves.
Turn this around and look at the opposite of talent, or "innate goodness"--innate evil. Faced with predatory behavior, without honesty about their own negative aspects, they reject notions like violence stemming from fear (in most cases. I'd personally estimate that about 1% of negative behavior is really due to something innate. And rather suspect that if I could look more closely, I'd find programming/environmental/fear reactions there as well). This leads to considering criminal behavior evidence of a corrupt soul: build prisons, rather than social programs!
I would suspect that the more they really believe that, the less forgiving they can be about their own natures. Rather than saying "I behaved badly. Let me see what motivated me to do that. Let me see what beliefs, values, and emotional charges triggered THAT. I certainly don't want that again."
It is easy to speak in negatives. Let me directly address what I believe the case to be.
Connirae Andreas of NLP Comprehensive has a technique called "Core Transformation", a hypnotic process by which you can take the nastiest, most violent, and even murderous person and peel away the layers of fear and anger to reveal a universal human need: to connect with the Divine. Atheists can read this as: to connect with the sense of peace and connection experienced in the womb. Or, the love experienced in infancy. Abused and neglected people can have no memory of this at all, even though the phenomenon of "Failure to Thrive" kicks in with any baby that is not loved and cuddled.
Worse, you can create sociopaths just by forcing children to hunt and gather for themselves too soon. Such feral children form packs, and can be EXTREMELY dangerous to deal with. They can seem to have no hearts, no love, nothing but a survival drive.
But Connirae suggested, and I've verified through experimentation, that if you can connect deeply enough with these dangerous people, and remove all fear by having them imagine a world in which all their needs and desires are met, then the anger just…dissolves. As does the potential for violence. There is no need. They never wanted to be violent. They wanted to feel SAFE AND ACCEPTED.
Of course, if you don't do more work with them, as soon as you put them back in the real world, the old stimuli trigger the old responses. You have to ANCHOR that sense of peace and connection, and then show them, in real no-b.s. ways, how they can actually heal their world and escape their pain, then shift to the mode that will produce joy in a legal, moral, positive way. With many of them, their self-image is so damaged that they cannot do it for themselves but they CAN make such changes in the name of service to the world. They can become evangelical, service-oriented, desperately trying to make the world a better place to keep that spark of goodness alive within them.
I suspect many of us have encountered such people. I know I did, on Hollywood Boulevard back in my twenties when I worked at GNC. He was a tall black man, passing out Watchtower pamphlets. He engaged with me, and began to recite a bunch of memorized arguments "proving" that his particular path to God was the only way. I talked to him, and saw his arguments just riddled with bad logic, false assumptions, and corrupted facts. I was in a playful mood that day, and began messing with him, poking holes while maintaining a perfectly friendly demeanor.
And…he started getting angry. I could see and feel it. The hair on the back of my neck twitched. He was suddenly DANGEROUS. I imagined encountering him in a dark alley, and there was no part of me that enjoyed that thought. Suddenly, I knew exactly what he was:
A dangerous man who had done criminal, violent things. SOMEBODY or something had touched his heart, shown him another way. And he was holding onto it desperately. Every person he could convince of his perspective strengthened HIS belief in it. Which meant that every person who he could NOT convince, let alone who caused him to question the only thing holding him back from believing the world was an amoral jungle, released his fear. What has his childhood been? His racial experiences? It was easy to see that what I was doing was WRONG. It didn't pass the Three Gates.
What if I damaged his faith? Was I going to be with him every day to provide perspective and support? Did I have anything to replace the faith he used to protect himself from the corrupt, evil, violent man he feared he truly was?
No. I wasn't. I couldn't. I was stripping away his defenses, leaving only fear. I was being the worst kind of intellectual bully.
I let him win his arguments. Took a copy of Watchtower from him, and promised to read it. He calmed. I SAW that beast in his eyes slide back behind the barriers of faith. And we each went our way.
I saw him. If I'd had the time, and the skills, I see no reason to believe I couldn't have helped him touch the love and light within him, allow him to experience that it had always been there, regardless of what he had done, or how the world had treated him. And ease him onto the natural path of human life. He was terrified that he had lost his way, or even that there WAS no way.
You know, anyone who believes that we simply are what we are born as, that we enter the world with our souls fully formed…I pray those people have encountered mostly kindness. Because if they have dealt with the damage, corruption, violence and hatred of the damaged…?
I think they'd struggle not to have a TERRIBLE view of humanity. Or men. Or white people. Or whoever has hurt them. And as suggested, they would have a very difficult time forgiving themselves and growing and healing.
For those of you who might think I'm being a Pollyanna, I ask you to consider my half-century of martial arts training. How much fear do you think I'd have to have to need that much processing? How much damage and abuse.
You probably don't know the half of it. No. This attitude is not that of someone who has been protected from the world. It is the attitude of someone who was forced to deal with a constant sense of threat with no protective father or male energy to help him understand how to handle it. Of someone who had to make a choice: to hate and fear, or to understand and find a better way to view humanity, forgive humanity. If I could not do that, I'd be lost in a world of pain and fear…and be a danger to myself and others.
Just like the guy on Hollywood boulevard, whose philosophical house was built on shifting sand instead of bedrock.
There are a lot of people like that in the world. People who don't understand themselves, and therefore cannot understand others.
I believe all we have to do to escape this trap is to follow the path of the masters who have lived this life before us. Seek the principles that adhere to the Three Gates: that are true, kind, and useful. Seek balance in the three centers: body, emotions, and mind. ANY philosophy that does not lead one to greater health, peace, joy and service (even if they are, at times, uncomfortable) should be questioned. All peoples of the world have these paths. Every major religion has them as well, even if the original profound insights were twisted by politics and small-minded men and women trying to cram the ocean into their personal teacup.
There is healing. Love. Light. Laughter. Start by loving yourself enough to forgive yourself. Then, love at least one other person deeply enough to see their soul, their beauty, understanding that they have done the best they can with the resources they have, and commit to helping them grow and heal and find joy.
To do that, look at what you know of human history, and seek to understand how it is continuous with that of every other life form on the planet. Stop expecting us to be angels. But don't think we are confined to the "killer ape" box either. There is both root and flower.
Avoid the "pity parties" the damaged and frightened host to convince each other that their pain is not their own responsibility, that "they" are responsible. "Incels" and "Insings" fall into this, and the results are pitiable…and sometimes frightening. Connect with a tribe that believes in the human spirit. If you are strong, and loving, and successful I promise that the broken will gravitate toward you. They will test you--you must be strong. Engage your survival drive. Remember that your wisdom will threaten their egos, and you will be attacked. You can handle it.
And Remember to be kind. Most of these people, be they racists, sexists, criminals, con-artists, whatever…are just frightened children. They are chasing fool's gold: money instead of contribution. Sex instead of love. Fear instead of respect. THEY ARE LOST, and on some level KNOW they are lost, and like drowning swimmers can drag down the lifeguard.
Be strong. But AFTER you are certain you are safe, be loving.
This is a difficult, demanding path, and it is not for everyone, I understand that. But if these words have connected with you, I encourage you to institute the "Three Gates" and "Three Centers" in your life, and techniques like listening to your heartbeat and talking with the child and elder selves within you. They have the strength and wisdom to guide you through life with joy and service.
We speak of these things every week on the FIREDANCE show, the next coming tomorrow, Friday the 20th, on Zoom, noon Pacific. Please join us!
Steven Barnes is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.
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