Why Not Love Yourself?
“I saw that you were perfect, and so I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more.” – Angelita Lim
We understand and admire emotions like that when directed at others. What happens when we direct it inward, to ourselves?
It is evolutionary. We become better at addressing our survival needs, the "Belly Brain": self-protection, discipline, hunting and gathering.
The heart center needs love, faith and gratitude to counter fear, resentment, and stress. The "Core Transformation" process is quite convincing in its suggestion that ALL human behavior, positive OR negative, is an attempt to get closer to that state of total safety, bliss and love we experienced in the womb. One might wonder if this state is the origin of the notion of "Satori."
You can take ANY behavior, dig for the need it attempted to satisfy, and ask what would happen if that need was completely satisfied. A deeper need is revealed. Satisfy THAT need and you get a deeper one. Mugging an old woman reveals a hunger for money. Satisfy that need and you might get a need for drugs. Drug mask pain or increase pleasure. Remove pain, and you reveal a desire to be happy, to be "a good guy", be with friends, perhaps try to fulfill old goals and desires.
If you go step by step, this is incredibly powerful, usually requiring a mild or deep state of trance, or else the ego, which believes it NEEDS the pain, will shut you down. But if you go deeply enough, the patient releases the tension, fear, resentment, anger…and what remains, EVERY SINGLE TIME, is the desire for love and connection. One can relate this to the womb, again…or to the physics of creation (from one billionth of a second after the Big Bang, the universe has been a study in increasing complexity and interconnection) or even the core spiritual teachings of all world religions…love. The Other as Self. All as One.
To the degree that this is true, then, EVERYTHING we do is an attempt to love, reconnect, remove fear and pain. So…what happens if we START with the emotion that most people are chasing their entire lives, yes, even the worst human being you can think of?
You get to be a "Human Being" as opposed to a "Human Doing." You are where you are supposed to be, doing what you are supposed to do.
But you have to feel safe to even begin this process. Breathing is a route to this, which is why every major tradition seems to use breathing practices of one kind or another, even if song or dance instead of "pranayama" or "chi gung."
IF you have you fear handled, if you can maintain this discipline smoothly, then you can move on from your "Belly" brain to your "Heart" center. The "meditative" aspect of this, the passive or "Feminine" aspect, perhaps, is simply to sit and feel your heartbeat. You can take it at your pulse point on your wrist, or your throat.
The more "active" version is FIREDANCE, using affirmation, visualization, positive movement, visualizing mentors and "emotional flooding" to create the most positive, loving, enthusiastic version of yourself.
Not a single day goes by that someone doesn't thank me for being positive and promoting the notion that we can have happy, successful, healthy lives while living in alignment with our deepest ethics and values.
But ALSO I get attacked. EVERY DAY. If you walk this path, you will be called a "Pollyanna", that you are just "privileged" to think you can be positive, "unrealistic" even deluded or irrational. "You just don't understand how bad things are."
I take exactly the opposite position. It takes ENORMOUS privilege to be negative, angry, and live a happy life. You need the support of an entire system that lifts you up automatically if you fall.
If you don't have those safety rails, YOU need to be your own coach, your own "safety rails". If you would survive, thrive, lift your family out of threat, YOU must believe, have faith, take daily action. When your children look at you, they want to know: "if I do what you say, will I be happy, healthy, and successful?" If they believe the answer is "yes" you will still have parenting challenges….but imagine the challenges if they see you struggling and angry! Why in the world should they follow your advice, if they don't see you happy? They will seek other answers.
But this, the 90-Day Love Feast, was initially about loving a significant other. This second go-round is about loving YOURSELF. Without compromise. In spite of flaws and failures.
To approach this, I think it critical to ask why it isn't automatic. Why don't we love ourselves deeply enough to protect ourselves and our dreams? Do that, fill ourselves with love, and we have love to offer others. In fact, whenever you meet bitter, frightened, angry people you could do worse than to ASSUME they have a lack of love in their lives. They fear they are not worthy, precious, made of the same stuff as the stars.
Angry, bitter, selfish people don't "love themselves too much." They don't love themselves at all, not really. Not in a way that matters.
What stops YOU from loving yourself? Because if you can pull up the beliefs that inhibit you, and question them, shatter them, you are left with possibility.
What if I loved myself completely?
What if I was responsible for my own heart?
What if I took care of myself BEFORE I sacrificed for others?
What if I was happy? Healthy? Successful by my own standards?
And trust me: whatever your standards are, if they don't include being happy, healthy, and having a secure roof over your head and food on your table…you want to interrogate that. Wouldn't you want those things for your children? Why then aren't you MODELING that behavior, those values and beliefs for them?
Why?
If you are willing to remove the concepts that stand between you and love, you will find it easier to commit to the practices that produce these things. So first…if you are uncomfortable with the notion of loving yourself, of being happy and healthy…
WHERE DID YOU LEARN THIS NEGATIVE BULL@#$$? Who did it serve for you to need love from THEM rather than supplying it to yourself? Who needed you to be co-dependent?
The goal is to be happy. An awake, aware, adult human being. Understanding the pain traps is a valuable path to this.
Please. Ask yourself: what SPECIFICALLY do you think would go wrong in your life if you committed to loving yourself? And whose voices are those in your head convincing you of it?
Please
Namaste
Steve