“When Will I Stop Being Afraid?”
"When will I stop being afraid?"
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For decades, in spite of my martial arts practice, I continued to deal with deeply wired fear and a sense of helplessness.
I remember being one of the instructors at Amara Charles' Wondercamp. It was such fun teaching the kids basic self defense, and then taking the boys through a symbolic passage where they fought to protect "the women of their tribe". A reduced version of Dawn Callan's "Awaken the Warrior Within" combat exercise.
Still hurt, though (some of those boys could PUNCH!). Anyway, the other instructor was a lanky lad named Uli, a fine young black belt. Good teacher. Moved well.
One day after class, we were sitting on the outside deck of one of the cabins, drinking cokes and watching the sun set, when to my surprise Uli turned to me and said quietly: "When will I stop being afraid?"
I understood in a moment what he meant. Like many martial artists, he had begun the path seeking to feel strong, to heal wounds inflicted by bullying and abuse. But instead of actually processing the fear anchored into his heart, he layered skill and strength and speed atop it. Like a nugget of crap inside a block of concrete.
Nice metaphor. Doesn't work. Really, the skill and strength become like an M & M commercial: a thin, thin, candy shell over an ocean of pain and a nugget of toxic self-loathing and fear.
The physical skills don't drain that swamp. A good martial arts class has encoded within it practices that WILL pump the sewage out of that cess pool so that you can sink your foundations deep in the bedrock of your soul. But most people build their castles of strength, or love, or wealth WITHOUT draining that cess pool of damage that usually occurred prior to puberty. And while we can get away with that under ordinary circumstances, when stress becomes "strain" we crack, and all of the creepy-crawlies living in that muck crawl up to play.
Uli asked me that, and I had no answer for him. I was dumbstruck. The specific question had never been asked of me before, and it dovetailed with my own insecurities so deeply that I couldn't improvise an answer.
Not six months later, Uli committed suicide.
Could I have helped him? I don't know. But I swore that I'd never be caught flat-footed like that again.
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Were I to have that conversation with him again, I know what I'd say to him. A hint is that external damage and betrayal become INTERNALIZED into our self image. We betray that child inside us: instead of maturing into a protective adult, we create masks to try to deflect and intimidate…but our "impostor syndrome" never shuts the @#$$ up.
If any of this relates to you, you may have some symptoms such as:
1) Compulsive achievement without any deep satisfaction.
2) Avoidance of conflict (including sales).
3) Body distortion, as if it is storing toxic emotions.
4) Lack of loving relationships, due to disbelief we are lovable
5) Deep anger without any specific focus of attention.
6) Deep fear, with nothing to fight and nowhere to run.
There are others, but these have recurred in clients and students over the years. I SWORE that I would have an answer next time, even though I know it is not my "responsibility" that caring fits into an expanded sense of family, as well as a commitment to service: help OTHERS out of suffering.
What would I say to Uli today? Join us for FIREDANCE tomorrow. If fear, writer's block, self-loathing or lack of follow-through have plagued your life, get out of your head and look into the deeply anchored emotions. You are NOT flowing from a simple survival drive and commitment to self protection, to self-love and love of others, to a natural curiosity about how far you can go in life along some satisfying path…measuring your objective results as money.
That level of integration goes from struggle, to the sense that the more you work, the more you earn and the more people you help…to the sense that the more you LOVE your life, the more people you serve and the more you make a beautiful garden of life.
It starts by having that thing Uli lacked: a sense of 100% self worth, and ability to metaphorically bare his teeth at the bullies who still lived rent-free in his head. To love himself enough to forgive himself. And from there to THRIVE.
It doesn't matter which arena of life your damage manifests. But it WILL pop up in your physical health and fitness, your self-love and capacity to sustain a loving intimate relationship, or the ability to create financial abundance doing something you love that gives service to the world.
THAT is the path we discuss in Firedance, and if it feel attractive to you, join us. Fridays at 12 noon (Pacific), at www.thefiredance.com
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Steven Barnes is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.
Topic: Firedance
Time: Fridays at 12 noon (Pacific)
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