The Double Helix
If you hadn't figured it out, committing to the Three Gates not only changes your behavior, it makes you VERY aware of the difficulty of applying them to all three arenas. Its HARD if you aren't used to it. Maybe even if you are.
But one side-product is gaining sensitivity to smaller and smaller divergences from the truth. You notice the difference between what you SAY and what you DO. Breaking promises to yourself on smaller and smaller levels.
The result is that you notice these digressions, these divergences, in others. The hypothesis: the more honest you are with yourself, the harder it is to be deceived by others.
That's the hypothesis. Is it true? I suspect so. It SEEMS so. The more we need to mask our emotions, thoughts, values and beliefs from ourselves, the more we have to believe your justifications for breaking promises to yourself, the duller your internal lie detector gets.
That's the hypothesis. I've certainly never performed a formal experiment on the subject, but casual observation and noticing patterns in coaching clients over years suggests it is a valuable one.
Consider it. Yes, you can still "cheat an honest man." Usually by appealing to their humanity, asking them to help someone. That honest heart can assume that others are just as honest.
Which is why the Three Gates have to be applied to the Three Centers. The "Belly Brain" is first, the warrior center. The part of you that knows there are tigers in the forest. Knows that people will smile holding a knife behind their back. That is as careful with strangers as a mother is careful with whose car she lets her babies get into.
This is work for you. You don't trust someone because they say "I respect the Three Gates." Nope. YOU follow them. And begin to notice the lies you've told yourself that have resulted in your current physicality, relationships, and career choices. This is tough. Most won't do it, because it can be PAINFUL to take responsibility. But if you do…
You more rapidly sense evasions in others.
You see where they break promises
You see where they are in delusion, mistaking their opinions for the truth
You see where they refuse to take adult responsibility…while demanding adult freedoms
You see where they try to hold YOU to standards they are not willing to maintain
You see the "gap" between their self-image and their behaviors.
Ask yourself the question: "what do I do with my fear and loneliness?" Get to the core of this, see how it shows up in body, emotions, and mind. Do this right, and you will begin to understand the people around you, and the choices THEY made, far better.
All animals move away from pain toward pleasure. How has this shaped YOUR life in all three arenas? The deeper you go here, the easier it is to understand other people.
What are you angry about in your life? What is the FEAR at the base of it? Train yourself to see and sense this…and you get better at seeing it in others.
I called an early variation of this the "Mind Reading" technique, because it became so clear why people did what they did. There was a warning attached to it, however:
DO NOT TELL PEOPLE WHAT YOU SEE IN THEM, if you want to keep that relationship. Only a relationship with very high standards of honesty and intimacy can survive the process once it becomes open discourse. People need privacy. We are too often driven by guilt, blame, and shame. So while 80% of understanding people is watching their behavior over time (and/or consulting with people who have known these people over time. And if you have ANY doubts about your ability to determine truth in relationships, or your ability to protect yourself emotionally, verbally or physically if things go sideways, and you CAN'T check with a family, past associates and friends or even lovers of a person? I would suggest you are safer being alone until you CAN get that information).
Three Gates: Is it True? Is it Kind? Is it Useful?
The Three Centers: Body, Emotions, Mind.
If you start with the assumption that, at every moment in your life, you've done the best you could with the resources you had. If you COULD have done better, you would.
If you believe that people who do bad things are essentially evil, you will probably apply that same belief to yourself: "I am what I am. I cannot change."
If you believe that people are largely shaped by their experiences, making the best choices within their perceived limits, then you know how to change yourself: get better resources, change beliefs, change associations, break patterns, clarify goals, learn to love yourself more deeply. AND YOU WILL GRASP HOW OTHERS CAN CHANGE, even if it is not your responsibility to do it.
This is, I think, a "double helix", a core component of understanding humanity. There are more advanced ways of tying this into your Tai Chi movement, and we might discuss that soon.
Namaste
Steve
