Success Starts Within
I had a friend who built his career on having been nominated for a major award. BIG award. But I noticed he was easily angered, and reactive, and fragile. A lot of boasting, a lot of certainty about things that frankly, have little objective reality. And I wondered why he was like this, why he literally STALKED me when I was discussing positive attitudes toward life, and work and life balance.
Anger is a mask over fear. Because he so easily slipped into anger, I wondered: with all of his success, what did he have to be so frightened of?
I saw him at the award ceremony, where he was waiting to see if he'd won. And in contrast to the other nominees he was dark, cynical, as if he would be insulted by either a loss OR a victory.
What in the world would produce this? In time, he blew up our friendship, which was predictable. But WHY was it predictable?
And it occurred to me that there was one circumstance that would explain it. HE FELT LIKE AN IMPOSTER. Perhaps, I thought, the accomplishment he'd been nominated for WASN'T REALLY HIS. I'm being deliberately oblique here, but what occurred to me is that if he didn't feel pride of ownership in the work he'd been nominated for, which was responsible for making him a HUGE amount of money as others crowded to be near him…
If, for instance, one of the other people on the project was actually responsible but for some reason hadn't taken credit…THAT would do it. He would feel like a fake, a fraud. Every time someone praised him, complemented him, expressed affection or respect for him, he could then say to himself: "If they only knew. They'd despise me if they knew I took credit for another man's work."
Yeah, that would do it. Then, just last week, years after X blew up our relationship, I came across an article in a trade magazine that said exactly this. That someone had seen his original work, and thought it was terrible, and that another person on the project had reworked it…and not taken credit.
Wow. I hate being right like that. I really like X, and feel that he is a man of passion and intellect…who doesn't feel like he deserves his success.
He has accomplished very little since that award ceremony. He works on projects, but they never come to fruition. Makes a lot of money, but I've seen video images of him, and he looks jolly on the outside, but has prematurely aged, isn't taking care of himself, and there is a terrible sadness in his eyes. Constant fear that someone will discover the truth would do that. Yes, it would.
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It didn't have to happen this way. He COULD have had a sense of humor about it. Said "OH! I'm not good enough YET. Let me look at what the other team member did to improve the work. What can I learn?" He could have done that…but that requires honesty, and courage, and self-confidence that I think it clear he does not possess in sufficient quantities. Perhaps he's afraid he wouldn't earn as much money…and he could be right.
But money is the "adult" part of his personality. The CHILD part just wants to play, and express, and dream, and have fun, and be loved.
He could have nurtured that part of himself, trusted it, protected it. He'd have made plenty of money--maybe not as much at first, but he'd have had a GROWTH MINDSET. And over time would have achieved more. Been happier and healthier. And since the ONLY way to master your craft is to bring all of yourself to it, body, mind, and heart, he'd have become the better craftsman and eventually been the craftsman he dreamed of being. Then his inner (being the person he dreamed of being) and outer (getting the rewards he dreamed of getting) would have alighted.
IF his "inner child" had been held as precious and brilliant, he'd have seen the circumstance as a lesson, rather than a negative.
If he had started with this, then his energy would be directed at improving craft and pace of work. He'd have treated his body better, as his vehicle in life.
His heart would have been joyful, and grateful. "Wow! I got good enough to suck at the very highest level!" is a realistic reaction, and a POSITIVE reaction if he could then think "and now I can model excellence in a new and better way. Huzzah!"
And his head would have had a flood of new information to use to expand his understanding of both process and product.
But it needed to start with loving himself. Then committing to protect himself. And then seeking out the very finest "hows". The love is the "why". The survival/evolution instinct is the "what": to become all he can be, having fun and giving service in the process. And the head, the mind, maps excellence and models mentors.
The body works, the heart loves, the head plans.
But he doesn't believe in joy and love in this healthy way, and as a result he is divided, and to make his life match his map of the world, will actually sabotage his own joy.
It is sad to watch, because he is brilliant, and I miss his friendship. But more, he is robbing himself of joy and the potential to serve. His body is not treated with respect, and I pray that his relationships can survive. Can you let someone love you if you don't believe yourself totally worthy of love? Will you do things to sabotage it, so that your reality matches your expectations?
I know that I've done this. That I sabotaged my own writing, my martial arts practice, my relationships UNTIL I CHANGED HOW I FELT, WHAT I BELIEVED, AND MY MAP OF ACTION. I had to approve of the PERSON who could do the THINGS to create the LIFE I desired for myself and my family.
How do you do this? There are countless ways (Maxwell Maltz' famous PSYCHO CYBERNETICS is the grand-daddy of this kind of work) but the FIREDANCE TAI CHI method is the most powerful I"ve found.
You Focus on the PATH of achievement
On the kinds of MENTORS who can achieve it.
Bathe yourself in POSITIVE EMOTIONS
On what you need to do TODAY to take a step forward
In breathing, moving, and focusing AS IF you were the person who can walk the path.
There is more, much more, because Tai Chi alone is one of the world's most powerful fitness/health/moving meditation activities. We're just super-charging it, because that's what we do.
If X had loved himself, cherished himself, focused on the most critically important part of the process: the PROGRESSIVE realization of a worthy goal…he would be a happier, healthier, more successful person, with more joy and a far greater capacity to serve.
I wish him peace in his journey….but I hope that you will take another path. Start with entertaining the notion tha the meaning of life is joy and service, and then seek the means of walking that path. Being that person.
It was who you were born to be.
Namaste
Steve
