Shifting Your Self Image
"The strongest force in the human personality is the need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves."--Tony Robbins
When I read or hear things like this, I run it through the Three Gates.
Is it True? Well…I can certainly point to times in my life when I performed BEYOND my self image…the first time. But then when I tried to repeat the success, I screwed up. Certainly, it would be reasonable to think my ego shell was stressed and snapped back to "normal."
But I also have performed BELOW my self-image. And immediately I began to take actions to bring myself "up to snuff."
Is it Kind? If this is true, we have a LOT of responsibility for the pain in our lives. Our relationships, careers, and bodies reflect this congruence with self-definition, self-image. It is easiest to take actions that align with our self-image, and changing that image affects our values, beliefs, and actions. So long as we LEARN from the results of those actions, and are following a valid path…seems to me that we accelerate our progress toward our goals. Run into social problems, repression or poverty? Model someone who overcame those things, and find the part of YOU that aligns with that role model, and prune your little psychological bonsai to resemble it.
This is too much for people who have an identity that is frozen in place, perhaps that explains their existential pain as the result of external actions and attitudes: THEY don't let me do it.
To the degree that that belief numbs our pain, we needn't pay attention to anyone who succeeded: they had advantage, they cheated, they were "lucky." Are there such people? You bet. But consider this:
IF YOU CAN READ THESE WORDS, THERE ARE PEOPLE WITH FEWER RESOURCES THAN YOU WHO DID MORE THAN YOU'VE DONE.
Is it "unkind" to tell people to take books like "Psycho-Cybernetics" seriously? I believe it is. That the "ego pain" is far smaller than the sheer impact of existential despair, and the creeping sense that somehow you missed the bus, and your "sunk cost fallacy" prevents you from saying: "well…maybe my self-image held me back even more than the outside world."
That takes real strength and clarity. Is it rare? How many people do YOU know in ecstatic relationships, make good money doing something they love, and are in great physical shape for their time in life? I suggest to you that 99.99% of people would love those things, but are NOT doing all they can with their potential. To change, they'd have to admit they've been wrong. And sometimes…that their families, friends, and associations have ALSO been wrong. That means that for YOU to succeed, you have to risk the opprobrium of people who comforted themselves by saying "its impossible."
In other words: your success shames them. They react with anger and attack (because THEY are also afraid of life passing them by), and you lose tribe. The result? The net advantage of success is in conflict with the disadvantage of losing friendship and love and tribe.
WITHOUT TRIBE, WE DIE. So yes, people will cripple themselves not just to match their self-image, but to avoid conflict with their tribe.
OUCH.
But…is it true that this MUST be the result? Again, ask if there are any people who have succeeded, coming from humble beginnings, without losing tribe, and increasing the joy in their associations?
Sure there are. They use their success to support their families and community. They uplift others. They CREATE NEW TRIBE. They find new tribe with other success-oriented people as they rise. Find one. Model them. Do as they did.
And…is it USEFUL? If true, then the notion of our behaviors conforming to our self-image is a primary key…IF it is possible to shift that self image.
Is it TRUE that we can change our self image?
I suggest "yes." While we cannot change our essential being, few of us have any idea what that is. We connect to our names, roles, history, emotions, values, beliefs. But none of those things are "us" in any deep sense. They are things that exist in the "space" of "us." They are EXPRESSIONS of how the "I" interacted with the external world. The mistake would be to assume that these reactions, often fear-based, are essential being.
What WE are is like water. Whether steam, ice, fluid water…whether in a cube or glass or vase or stream or ocean…these are just FORMS of water, or forms that water takes in a specific instance. The glass is not the water, and YOU are not your history, emotions, or thoughts.
There is a RELATION between you and those things, but only deep and consistent inquiry takes you to the root of it.
So…the simple answer is that experience and observation suggest that we can change our identities, our self-image. CANNOT change our essential being, but then nothing you can label really represents what we are. And that gives us massive room for change. Basic human archetypes include warrior, healer, teacher, lover, parent, and so forth. We can be all these things. ALL of them. Different human beings specialize on a couple of them, but in truth we can all step into all of those roles, and DO over the course of a lifetime. We can get "stuck" in one of them…but we can also learn to shift. To be the water, not the specific form. We can pour ourselves into a new container, and assume THAT identity if it is appropriate.
So, IF I AM RIGHT, this notion passes the Three Gates logically, historically, and experientially. The only question then is: how to test the notion? What are the means?
There are endless disciplines of meditation, therapy, and intense movement that address this. FIREDANCE uses a combination of movement, intention, modeling, and emotional flooding to create this.
You identify the goals you desire, the destination point of this phase of your life.
Who are the PEOPLE who could do these things?
Study them to determine their values, beliefs, and especially their actions. What is the PRICE they paid to be the people who can do the things?
Decide if you are willing to pay that price. If not, it is perfectly legitimate to say so and change goals. BUT DON'T LIE AND SAY IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE, ok?
Now, break the actions down into chunks small enough to take the first one TODAY. Be sure you have such a "bite sized chunk" in all three arenas. For instance: One sentence of writing, Three Tibetans, and ten minutes of journaling.
Do your FIREDANCE, all of the Tai Chi form you have internalized. Put it on a "loop" if necessary. While moving, go through the M.A.G.I.C. formula: expressing confidence and gratitude, visualizing your mentors, sensing the way today's actions will take you to the destiny you desire and move you AWAY from pain. Speak, feel, and visualize your new reality.
Move, breathe, smile, hold your posture AS IF you were the healthy blend of your role models that could #$%% ACE today's challenges. Would eat the challenge like candy, moving through them with joy and an intent to service.
Those seven steps are not complete, but they are a good outline of this process I go through six days a week. All I have to do is adjust the models, or the intensity, and I can produce any behavior I need. What we do begins to shape our self-image. What we powerfully visualize ourselves doing shapes our self-image. What we SAY ALOUD with EMOTION shapes our self-image.
Just 10-20 minutes a day can create a positive feedback loop between thought, action, and results, a spiral that takes you, one step at a time, out of stagnation and into the life of your dreams.
I hope you are scientist enough to try the EXPERIMENT of creating such a program, or joining ours at www.firedancetaichi.com.
You have nothing to lose but your pain. And everything to gain, including a glimpse of your true self. You'll know it when you feel the magnificent light and heat of your deep self, your soul.
Namaste
Steve