Don’t Let Your Ego “Block” Your Dreams
Thirty years ago I was teaching at UCLA Extension. They had a sort of collective event, where each instructor made a presentation, describing the content of their classes, what they had to offer students, so that those students could make informed decisions. When it was my turn, I described the class I called "writer's toolbox" which was a cornucopia of techniques to access and utilize the infinite creativity within us. One of the subjects was "crushing writer's block."
After the event, a woman who taught one of the other modules came up to me. She was angry. "Why did you lie to them?" She asked.
"What?"
"Its IMPOSSIBLE to break writer's block. You were lying to them." She shook her finger in my face, and then walked away, shaking.
What can be extracted from this? Well, first of all, I knew something she didn't: I wasn't lying. Therefore, she was simply wrong. Ignorant.
But remember: anger is fear. What was she afraid of?
It was obvious to me in a single moment: she was blocked, and what I said, who I was, threatened her. Why?
Well…fear generally relates to pretty basic things. Let's march up the Chakras and see if we can apply this to build a map of her internal process.
Survival? There was no physical threat.
Sex? Well…if her sexual attractiveness was based on power, it was possible that someone might perceive her as less powerful, and therefore less sexually attractive…but I doubted it. That particular issue tends to be found in men.
Power? Well…within the structure of academia, it was certainly possible that there was a hierarchy of authority, and she might have found a place within it based on her old work, and getting agreement and sympathy from her compatriots that "yes, you hit the wall. Writing is no longer possible." And that if people understood the issue more clearly, she would lose some respect.
Love and Fear. If she loves poetry, and cannot write, IMO the real issue isn't that she cannot, but that she is afraid that her first drafts aren't equal to her polished work of the past. Or more broadly, that she cannot match her previous efforts, so why try? If she lies to herself about this, then anyone who challenges that lie risks releasing self-loathing and a sense of weakness. She already would probably have impostor syndrome: the sense that if her students really understood her, they would not respect her. That previous accolades or success were anomalous or even in error. This is very, very common among successful people whose self-image doesn't match their circumstance.
Communication. Tananarive's position on writer's block is that it is a sign of insufficient research. I think that's only valid if just a temporary postponement of work, pushing it back a week or two. By the time you haven't written for a MONTH or two, there are issues. So I'd say "communication" here relates to our communication with ourselves, internally. The "Parts Party" or various internal mentor meetings relates to this fear. The part of you that desires "Quality" has convinced the other parts that unless it is perfect, it isn't worth doing at all. I've certainly known a lot of high achievers who drive themselves with the desire for excellence…but it is also possible to CRIPPLE yourself if you don't understand that it is natural and normal for first drafts to suck. In fact, it is phenomenal and remarkable when they don't.
Intellect. You know, intelligence is problem solving, and in this regard consider building an effective map to be our route to navigating our lives. This will include our ego shells. "Who am I?" determined by what we have accomplished or what others think of us, or the labels with which we describe ourselves. And her ego shell was fragile. THIS was the part of her afraid of death. If she took my comments seriously, what would happen if she was committed to being the best writer she was capable of being, rather than maintaining an image?
She would humble herself, and ask for help. "Teach me, Sensei" is the phrase here, and it is a doorway to incredible power. She couldn't do that. Her ego was probably already a little shakey.
So here was this woman, probably of accomplishment and educationally advanced. A published and honored poet respected by her students, who could not hear a statement contrary to her beliefs without feeling fear, which manifested as anger.
We all know people like this. We have all BEEN those people at times. If she had been a friend, what might I have done to help?
Bonded with her. Spoken of my own struggles, and the struggles of people she respects. Be sure that she knew I saw her humanity, and cared about HER more than I cared about her credentials. She had worth in and of herself.
I'd break her pattern. Get her to laugh. Take her for a walk. Shift her focus. Get her to use different language to describe her issue.
Connect the desired behavior (experimenting with a new idea and method) to her own higher goals. If I have rapport with her, she might admit she wants to publish another collection of poems, or compete for an award, or just be back on the path of creativity. Something that is more important than the risk of being wrong.
Do THOSE three things, and I then have an opening to offer her a suggestion. And brothers and sisters…I'd better come correct. If I create that opening, if she trusts me, that window is only open a little while, and the ego will try to shut it FAST.
So, for instance, if I asked her to experiment with a couple of notions:
Poems and stories are not written, they are re-written.
Writer's block is a confusion of two states: the flow state where you create, and the editing state where you JUDGE what you have written. The problem comes when the editor is chattering while the kid inside you is trying to flow.
Viewed this way, she could practice disciplines that increase flow (like Tai Chi). Then she could try writing FAST and fluid, say a Pomodoro of just vomiting up words onto the page.
Then, she would stop for the day. The next day, she would spend four Pomodoros (about two hours) polishing.
If this technique and perspective is correct, she will find that what she wrote just flowing is as good, or better, than what she produced by agonizing over every word. Be a scientist. Perform the experiment rather than leaning on your beliefs and opinions.
###
All of this ran through my mind in about two seconds, really. I felt sorry for her. I also felt sorry for the students who might come to her because she was (in all probability) brilliant about what she knew confidently, but if they were blocked? She would encourage them to believe the demon voices in their heads, and join the club of those who COULD have been wonderful poets, if only not plagued by that damned Writer's Block…
Instead of writing, polishing, submitting and risking rejection and mockery. And if someone admitted that yes, they could write, but were deathly afraid?
Then we have truth. We're through the first Gate! Then be kind: forgive yourself. Then seek to be useful: what techniques help us deal with fear? Things like
Clarity
Identifying catastrophic thinking
Burning off excess adrenaline with exercise
Juggling internal representation so that your fear MOTIVATES you rather than blocking you.
Therapy
Journaling
Coaching
Etc. Etc.
But it is hard to fix a problem you aren't honest about.
Yes, she did the privilege thing on me, but all I saw was a needy, wounded, abandoned child afraid someone would see through her mask, that the world would not honor her if she wasn't impeccable.
And no, I"ve not seen more of this among women than men, although I'm sure some of you were about to make a comment to that effect. HUMAN BEINGS have this problem. Look deeper.
It is entirely possible to react to the world with love instead of fear, but you need to know you can either survive or die fighting honorably. Have CLARITY about this, and an awful lot of life is just a flow of energy, people doing the best they can with the resources they have. And when they are angry with you? That's their fear. Probably has nothing to do with you. We all get misunderstood.
But the only reason that would have triggered fear in ME would be if I wasn't certain of my position, or if I feared she might have persuaded Linda Venis, the head of the department, to fire me. I WAS certain, and hell, I can always find somewhere else to teach, or something else to do. Intelligence is problem solving, right?
So absent fear, I could see HER. And…I wish her well. She just needs one more tool in her toolbox, and she'll be an even finer teacher than she undoubtedly already was. One who could help a younger version of herself.
###
This is what we are building in FIREDANCE. Not just a set of tools to help ourselves, but the ability to manage our fear, so that when we are confronted we have 100% clarity that we can take care of ourselves, and therefore see clearly the nature of the person trying to attack us, go to the root of it, and be unmoved or, if possible, disarm. Or fight with unleashed ferocity and either win or die honorably. Have that anchored into your being, and people treat you very differently. Predators get wary about you. The wounded and frightened will challenge you…but I suspect that on some deep level they are hoping you will win. That you can show them the way out of the emotional labyrinth in which they find themselves. We do this with a combination of ancient and modern body-mind science, and I invite you to join us. The next meeting is this Friday the 27th at Noon Pacific
Steven Barnes is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.
Topic: Firedance Recurring
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