NO, YOU HAVEN’T “TRIED EVERYTHING”
When people say "I've tried everything" or "nothing works" try applying the Three Gates.
Is it TRUE? Have they literally tried EVERYTHING? I'm willing to make a bet: no, they haven't. There could be infinite options (there usually are) but if you ask someone what they've tried, they'll usually list fewer than a dozen things. Try it. So what they really mean is "I've tried everything I can think of/know of." "I've tried everything that seems reasonable to me." "I've tried everything I could with the energy/time/resources I had." We've all been THERE. The important thing is not to lie to yourself. NO, you haven't tried everything. But it might be time to quit anyway.
Is it KIND? Depends on your perspective. If you tell someone "do X, and you will get Y" and they have a deep belief they cannot or should not, they could easily fall into self-blame and self-contempt. On the other hand, if they need to get out of shark-infested water and you scream at them that they CAN, and they are spitting water, struggling, bleeding…but even though they are cursing you, get onto the dock to safety…were your words kind? lIt is an important question.
Is it USEFUL? Depends on your perspective. Is it kinder to tell someone there is hope, when ultimately they fail? Or to tell them there IS no hope, and later discover someone else kept going and succeeded? Because it is kinda hard to know the future (I've tried everything!) really, you have to make a choice. Which would you rather discover on your deathbed? That you struggled in "vain" or you quit too soon? Make your choice, because you will surround yourself with people who feel the same. Personally, I'd rather fight on and discover I couldn't. There is NOTHING major I've accomplished in my life where I wasn't told I couldn't, shouldn't, mustn't, or had zero role models of success.
I start with a basic belief: I CAN. And yes, life has demonstrated that no, that door is closed. And THAT door. And THAT one…and eventually, I've decided it wasn't worth the pain and effort, that my efforts were better spent elsewhere. But I will never back away from the fight for life, and the quest to reduce pain and increase pleasure, the most basic drives any living thing can have.
If anyone else has accomplished it, I can. That's the BASIC belief, but the "safety rails" are "anyone who has accomplished the goal I seek STARTING FROM WHERE I STARTED, I can successfully model."
That caution can be used against you, as NO ONE is in "precisely the same position." So you have to learn to generalize. Excessive specificity can paralyze you. "No one named Steven Barnes who grew up near Washtington and La Brea and owned a parakeet named Comet has ever done this…"
If our ego identity depends on believing we've tried "everything" that can be a problem. But even there, at least two different possibilities exist:
You really do fear there is no way, and that trying (or trying AGAIN) will break your heart.
You are afraid of change, don't really have emotional PERMISSION to change. Change is terrifying or dangerous, so you will blind yourself to potential means of doing so.
It really is complicated. I had no role model for a happy marriage--my parents were divorced, and Mom never re-married. There were no black SF writers I had ever heard of. Hell, I didn't know any SF writers, period. I didn't know any WRITERS, and my mother was terrified I would waste my life trying, and did everythign in her power to discourage me, including burning my stories. Teachers laughed at me. Black people implied I was trying to be white, white people criticized me for having black characters.
Martial arts? You must be kidding. I had so much fear and lack of positive image that it took me TWENTY THREE YEARS to earn my first black belt. THAT'S how much emotional poison I had to sort through.
What kept me going?
I loved myself. Nothing anyone could say could convince me I wasn't precious, unique, deserving of joy. If you love yourself, you will fight for your dreams. If you love yourself, you don't NEED anyone else to love you (as an adult), and can walk away from negativd situations and relationships.
If you love yourself, you will not fear to dive deep into your being to discover your true nature. The fear that there is something ugly, twisted, broken within you is too damned common. We can layer accomplishment, awards, money, rank, sex, or drugs atop that toxic position, but they will all ultimately fail.
START BY LOVING YOURSELF. Whatever journaling, therapy, medication, meditation, coaching, shamanic journey or whatever you need…start here.
HOW TO DO THIS WITH YOUR MORNING RITUAL
There are two basic pieces of the puzzle, and ANYONE who is willing to experiment with them is my brother or sister, and I will do all in my power to show you the path.
Every 1-3 hours, take a 60-second "breathing break." Low and slow, diaphragmattic breathing.
Once a day, preferably in the first hour of the day (the "diamond hour") you perform a morning ritual. The most basic would be walking while chanting an affirmation like "every day in every way I'm getting better and better."
Yes, you can combine them, so that the first of your five breathing breaks is expanded into the Ritual. You can "piggyback" meditations onto any of them. And you can modify that basic affirmation so that it is specific to loving yourself.
I remember when Nicki was about six years old, I put her in front of a mirror and had her say "I love myself. I like myself." It was hard for her at first, but then she started giggling and LOVING it.
She had to be given permission to love herself! Until that time, it is reasonable to think that her "love" supply was coming from Mom and Dad. Just teaching her that she could turn that faucet on all by herself was a revelation.
So could you take a sixty second break every hour, look in the mirror and say "I love myself" while breathing diaphragmatically, smiling and standing tall to trigger endorphins?
Could you walk for 10-20 minutes chanting "Every day in every way I love myself more and more" while moving with energy, smiling and laughing, and remembering happy moments from your life?
Yes, you could. You need to love yourself until you would fight for your own life, your own dreams, your own being, the way you would fight for your own most beloved child. ANYTHING less than that commitment is evidence of where your life experiences: your family, school, friends, society, lovers, employers, SOMETHING damaged you. Fractured your sacred sense of self.
Use the MORNING RITUAL to have one small period, every day, where your body, emotions, and mind are all in cooperation.
Use the FIVE MINUTE MIRACLE to interrupt your negative patterns.
Remember the three most important steps in influencing another human being:
Start with love and respect
Interrupt their negative patterns
Connect the new behavior to their own highest ideals.
Think you might be able to apply this to YOURSELF? That these two tools might just do that thing?
Those willing to try the experiment, follow.
Those who want to debate about it, find a different path.
I can leave a trail of bread crumbs, but I won't cheat those eager to wake up and experiment by not applying the Three Gates to this matter.
It is not honest, kind, or useful. There really are sharks, and one of them is Time.
Namaste
Steve
Stevenbarneslist.com
