LET’S BE BETTER PEOPLE
LET’S BE BETTER PEOPLE
I had a conversation recently where I said something that was true, but not expressed in a kind way or at a kind moment. That reduced its usefulness. It was ACCURATE, but not efficient and effective because of the moment and manner I said it.
That, REGARDLESS of the fact that what I said was true, was non-optimal. And therefore did NOT pass the Three Gates. I cannot lean on "it was true" or "I had the right to say it."
No. If the point to a communication is to change behavior, that communication has to be expressed at the right time and in the right manner. Otherwise if doesn't change behavior, and that suggests to me that it was a WORTHLESS, ZER0-VALUE COMMUNICATION.
Let me think about that a little more deeply. "Information that doesn't change behavior is trivial by definition" is not 100% true, but close enough.
What was that information? Didn't you speak it to change perspective and beliefs and understanding? And since our actions are based on our beliefs, aren't we trying to shift behaviors? Even if only internal behaviors like shifts in emotion? That seems valid to me.
If you weren't trying to change my behaviors, internally or externally, why EXACTLY did you say it? Weren't you hoping to make me happy, or help me avoid pain, or create greater empathy or connection? SOMETHING. "I thought you'd find this interesting" is a way of saying "I thought you would use this to increase joy or decrease pain."
Is that reasonable? Because if it is (even a "that scene was so STUPID!" as you guffaw together watching "Sharknado.) then it isn't just WHAT you day, it is also HOW and WHEN, yes?
If my intent is to be of service to the other person, I care about this. But if my intent is just to beat them up, vent my anger, even THEN I care how and when I speak, yes?
I had an intent. If I cannot take responsibility for the result, I'm not a communicator, I'm just spewing my emotions in all directions, hoping something lands.
If I ask myself: "what could I have done differently?" then the answer comes to me: "I should have been sure I passed the Three Gates." If I had, even if it was hard, even if it didn't provide the momentary satisfaction of just SAYING it…the long term effects would be better. I wouldn’t' have had to spend time repairing the rapport. Now, are there times when you cannot "pattern interrupt" someone without discomfort?
Yes, I believe that is true. But even then there are levels of excellence and precision and sensitivity that need to be applied. IF YOU CARE.
If you don't care, don't lie to yourself and say you do. If you are angry, remember to look for the fear beneath it. Deal with that fear YOURSELF, FOR YOURSELF by connecting with your survival drive, and then connecting to your own heart. If you can, connect and commit your life to your own highest ideals, especially those larger than your own life.
Do this, and you are as safe, secure and loved as you can be in this lifetime, in this world. From that position, you will be able to see that those who do NOT make this connection are responsible for most of the pain and violence in the world. That if you want a better world BE A BETTER PERSON.
And from there, handling your own fear and love, you can be the best parent, spouse, friend, teacher, or neighbor you are capable of being.
Handle your own fear and love, and you will have no problem passing the Three Gates, even with an enemy. It is a higher level of the Game, but if you don't accept the challenge you are just re-arranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
Let's make a better world. Let's be better people.
Namaste
Steve
