Fear Is The Mind-Killer

 

 

I was wrong. 

Unpacking my office in the new house, I found my first black belt certificate, granted in January of 1993. 


 

I did the math, and realized I was wrong when I'd told people it took me 17 years to earn my first black belt.  It took me TWENTY-THREE YEARS.

 

The average person earns theirs in about five, I'd reckon.   I was dealing with a horror show of emotional scar tissue from bullying, growing up without a father, being a four-eyed pot-bellied little nerd, and living in a society I believed wanted to kill me.

 

I was afraid of EVERYTHING.  And built a false wall of cocky confidence around that fear. Then, when the shell inevitably collapsed I was left with nothing.

 

I know someone who ended his life because of just this pattern.  Fear.  False ego shell. False self confidence.  Impostor syndrome and collapse.

 

Even though I'd won second place at the National Korean Karate championships in 1972, I suffered a huge, shattering ego wake-up call when I joined the BKF.  Compared to them, I didn't know how to fight at all, and it felt as if nothing I had learned or done had made any difference, that I was still the 14 year old kid who was so ashamed of his weakness.

 

I developed a pathological fear of sparring, even though I was good at it.  Driving to class on a sparring day felt like driving to my own execution.   It was HORRIBLE, and I remember driving down La Brea avenue in L.A., tears streaming down my face, praying "God, will either take away my urge to do this thing, or just let me @#$$ DO IT?"

 

I knew that if I quit, no one would chasten me. No one would blame me. Probably, no one would even NOTICE.  It was my business.   So why couldn't I quit, if it cost me so much pain?

 

Was it fear of being physically attacked?  Nah.  I don't go to risky places, and my verbal de-escalation skills are excellent.  Want my wallet?  Take it.  Call my mother names? She's dead. You can't hurt her.

 

I'm just not going to get prodded into a fight, and I don't walk down dark allies or go to bars.  WHY WAS I SO DETERMINED TO LEARN SOMETHING THAT SEEMED SO PAINFUL?

 

It didn't seem to make sense.  I knew, even then, that living animals move away from pain toward pleasure. Why, then, would I deliberately, calculatedly, force myself into an artificial situation where I ran smack into my wounds every day?

 

The answer to that question was  horribly simple: because I knew I was damaged goods. But that in ordinary society I could mask that damage, and most people would smile and nod and we'd pretend together to be whole.

 

But I wasn't whole.  And inevitably, that damage would surface. It would imbalance me, and block me from being healthy, happy, or successful.   It was INEVITABLE.  So the reason I forced myself back into that arena over and over again, was incapable of walking away from it, was that I knew that if I could overcome my past, could heal myself, I would be a b better human being. But to do that, I'd need some external goal that represented an internal state of health.

 

IF I could earn a black belt, legitimately, in a fighting style I would have to grow and change. I'd have to be a different person.

 

Not perfect, mind you. Not totally healthy…but the process would point out a direction of growth. It would force me to learn, to grow, to find answers. And that I could therefore use that external goal to indicate healing in my internal world.

 

There were traps.   I've mentioned a young black belt name Uli who once asked me:  "Steve, when will I stop being afraid?"

 

I'd had no answers for him. And later that year, he took his own life.

 

So…the external symbol wasn't enough. Not if I considered it a destination rather than a process.  So while a "black belt" wasn't going to finish the job, I figured that it would place my feet firmly on the right path. That from THAT position, I would see the mountain more clearly, would know a different quality of companion, and have a more educated eye from which I could determine who I could ask useful questions of.

 

  1. I needed to understand the URGENCY

  2. I needed to believe that there WAS an answer.

  3. I needed to believe that I was capable of FINDING AND USING that answer

  4. I needed to believe that the work necessary to do this was WORTH it, in other words that the effort would, ultimately, give me more pleasure than pain.

 

And there was another thing I picked up along the way, from the amazing men and women who were kind to a young man struggling to understand himself: I had to be committed to TEACHING what I learned, if that learning, those teachings were valid.

 

That was the price.  Learn the path. Walk the path. Teach the path.

 

If and only if I was prepared to do these things, the masters I met were happy to share with me.   And when after TWENTY THREE YEARS I earned that black belt, it took another TEN years to heal myself. But once I had…I saw clearly what had made the difference, why I had struggled, and what daily practices most efficiently and effectively continued to clean the lens of perception (and here's a hint: my problem wasn't fear.  It was a lack of clarity.)

 

If I can help others find what I found while paying less in energy, time, and resources, I will have thanked my teachers.

 

Please…if fear is an issue for you, we're going to address it Friday at noon Pacific.   If you are already on my mailing list, great. If not, please sign up at www.stevenbarneslist.com and bring your comments, questions, and requests to the FREE Zoom call.

 

Can't wait to see you….

 

Namaste

Steve

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